Promosexual...a guide

Not sure if you caught the Ed the Sock special about Promosexuals (Paris Hilton, Brittany Spears, Nick Lachey, Jessica Simpson, Lindsay Lohan, etc.), but it was interesting. Exposing the "ugly side of pop culture." These are people who will do whatever it takes to extend their time in the limelight. Ed's most aggresive expose was a "merciless deconstruction of the self-styled saviour of Africa: U2 frontman Bono!"

Come on, let's face it, who hasn't had a hankering to be just exactly like one of these celebs? Being a promosexual is a full-time job so here's a few pointers - a quick checklist from the people:

1. Make yourself available to the paparazzi.
There is nothing worse than hiding from the view of the dozens of telephoto lenses trained on your palatial compound. To ensure your constant appearance in the tabloids, every few hours make trips to the mall with barely any clothes on, acne cream still on your face, and eat approximately eight cheeseburgers. This will demonstrate to the populace that you're "just like them".

2. Ensure every feud is played out in public.
Your public loves nothing more than vicariously participating in high-profile celeb feuds. So give them a thrill - ensure your publicist sends out a press release announcing who you're not friends with this week, or simply diss everyone in sight while on Howard Stern. That *always* works.

3. Multi-tasking = multi-millions
Let's say you're a reasonably successful movie star. Don't you want to be MORE successful? Of course you do. Get busy on starting a clothing line, getting a record deal, opening nightclubs and promoting beverages in Japan. The sky's the limit!

4. Speak loudly, carry a small schtick
Talk yourself up to anyone who'll listen. Use props, like a megaphone or a Prime Minister. Develop a little soft-shoe routine. When all else fails, arrange a wardrobe malfunction. As the old saying goes, a little nipple goes a long way.

5. Get spiritual
Since time immemorial, celebs have flocked to fashionable spiritual pursuits - so you should too. It doesn't matter much whether they involve aliens, strings or secret societies - but remember to let everyone know what you're up to. You never know when it will lead to eternal salvation or just a really bitchin' collaboration on your next single.

That's it! Remember, when you get famous, forget the little people who helped you get where you are!

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