prayer mess

(thanks jen gray)
when i was young, i used to pray that
"everyone in the whole wide world would be happy and safe and okay."
but as much as i prayed, it didnt happen.
i thought if i pressed my hands together REALLY hard, that this would make my prayers have more power.
i also thought if i looked up to the sky, my prayers would stand a better chance because i was maintaining eye contact with God.
i then came up with the idea that if i said Jesus's name over and over and over again, God would surely pay attention to me. Like the kid in the classroom who keeps saying "pick me! pick me! pick me! pick me!" he eventually gets picked , if not just to shut him up.
but still, my prayer was not answered.
i memorized The Lord's Prayer even though i didnt really understand it and was confused why i was asking forgiveness for trespassing when i had never hopped the fence that had the sign on it...but i figured this prayer had to be the key to getting my prayers answered.
still ~ people were unhappy, bad things were happening in the world, and clearly, a lot of things were not okay.
when i heard the story about the devil, and how he got into a fight with God and got the boot out of heaven because he was so mean, and that the devil was the reason for all evil in the world ~ i thought i really figured things out.
from that day on, i prayed for the devil, thinking if he patched things up with God, everything would go back to being perfect and peaceful.
when i told my sunday school teacher how i was praying for the devil, i must have said i was praying "TO" the devil because she looked at me with horror, and said i was NEVER EVER to do that and if i did, the devil would capture my soul and take it away to hell.
i remember putting my pillow over my head at night so Satan wouldn't see my head and find my soul.
my quest for world peace turned me into a neurotic mess.
i still pray.
i still believe it does something good, somehow, somewhere.
and these days, i can truly ask to be forgiven for the trespasses of my trespassing, because i have certainly hopped more than a few fences in my adult life.

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