The Movie Jaws On Different TV Channels

• Lifetime: The shark only attacks women.

• Spike: Shark only attacks topless women who have just gone for a swim in the ocean to clean off after mud wrestling.

• CNN: Billions For Iraq, Why No Money For Shark Defense?

• Fox News Channel: Bill O'Reilly complains that the shark won't come on the No Spin Zone.

• ABC Family: The Olsen Twins make friends with the shark, and it becomes a Protector of the Dolphins.

• Disney Channel: Shark eats Bambi's mother.

• Weather Channel: Shark makes a lunge at Meteorologist Stephanie Abrams, who is on shore covering a hurricane. The shark misses, and is promptly harpooned by Meteorologist Jim Cantore.

• CBS: Special 48 Hours report on how George W Bush skipped out on shark duty in the National Guard.

• PBS: Special Frontline Report: "Sharks vs The Creationists"

• Sci-Fi: George Takei sets his phaser on "Sushi" on the latest Star Trek series spin-off

• Court TV: Forensic evidence shows that it wasn't a shark at all, but a love triangle gone bad.

• History Channel: Hitler's Plan to invade the American East Coast with a race of super sharks.

• ESPN: "Top Ten Greatest Shark Attacks"

• ABC: Brings back the Wide World of Sports for the Barney Cipriani Memorial Cliff Diving & Shark Escape Championship. Live from Acupulco.

• TLC: Re-decorate your shark-fishing boat for under $1000.

• Animal Planet: That Steve Irwin guy keeps irritating the shark until it swims out to sea.

• Bravo: Four gay friends on their annual sponge-collecting outing encounter the shark and kill it. The grateful townsfolk of Amity reconsider their homophobia.

• MTV: Ashlee Simpson gives you her thoughts about the movie, such as they are.